Not Celebrating Naw Ruz

We celebrated Naw Ruz a little over a week ago. Or, rather, we didn't celebrate. It is normally one of the few days per year when we close our business but this year there was a change that prevented that. We sell games and some of the publishers require tournaments to be run on specific dates when new products come out. Normally it doesn't conflict with Naw Ruz but this year it did. Closing would have been not only bad for business but also extremely disappointing to a couple of hundred gamers who had looked forward to this for months.

When we first realized we would have to stay open I was pretty upset. My involvement with Baha'i community activities has been going down hill for a while and I didn't want to skip another Holy Day. When the actually day rolled around I realized I felt a bit different though. Other people were benefiting from us sacrificing a day off and making other people's lives happier is a big part of what being a Baha'i is about. I decided I was okay with that.

I kept mulling it over though. When I thought about it, I realized that over the past year I've come to enjoy going to work more and more. I've also become worse and worse at doing Baha'i things. I wasn't sure I should be as okay as I was about not observing Naw Ruz given how much we're slacking the rest of the time.

Then last night one of our regulars stopped in to make a last minute purchase before closing time. I was working alone and had had a long, difficult day. He got what he needed then chatted with me a bit, mentioning that he might be moving away in a few months and that he was really going to miss us. Then he went on to say how amazed he was that we spent so much time talking to our customers, even the ones who were really annoying. He said it made everyone feel very at home and included and that he'd come to be able to talk to us about a lot more than just our business. As he talked he became very emotional.

We've always tried to build a sense of community with our customers, and as Baha'is striving to be inclusive and welcoming is something we consider mandatory, but we don't always know if anyone is noticing. (But of course we try anyway.) After seeing how much this meant to this one fellow I've decided not to worry anymore. Apparently giving people a little extra of our time pays off more than we know.

Reflection on Celiac Disease

Warning: this post contains graphic descriptions of the symptoms of celiac disease.

I was recently asked for advice for someone recently diagnosed with celiac disease. It has now been about a decade since I found out that was the cause of a set of symptoms that were, frankly, quite gross. I had had a strange rash on my bum since my late teens; painful, itchy blisters that left scar after scar. Once that had been around for a while my belly started bloating up with gas that produced some interesting gurgling sounds as well as progressively fouler smells. Then came the diarrhea.

People often ask what happens if I eat gluten right in the middle of dinner in a restaurant. My answer is that I'll tell them if they really want to know, but it's in their best interest to wait till they're done eating. The diarrhea that I dealt with in my early 20's progressed from loose stools to straight liquid. It showed up after every meal. Then it got worse and I started passing food that clearly hadn't been digested. I don't mean the bits of corn or carrot you sometimes find mixed in there, I mean when I started a meal I would feel a rumble within a few bites and before I was halfway done I was running for the toilet where the food I had just chewed up in my mouth would come out the other end. At the height of my suffering this would be repeated several times throughout the meal.

It was also pretty painful. The cramps were violent spasms that made me want to double over.

Given the grossness of it all I didn't really tell anyone what was going on. I just excused myself whenever the pain or need for a toilet was too much.

I had a suspicion for a while that there was something wrong with my diet but because I was sick all the time I wasn't sure what the culprit was. The mystery was solved one day when I was visiting my parents and came across a brochure for celiac disease. My mom had it kicking around because she'd been eating gluten free for years. Even with a family history I didn't clue in the whole time I was sick. What really caught my eye in the brochure was the description of a rash that sounded a lot like mine, something I didn't realize was connected to the digestive issues.

When my mother made dinner I casually asked if I could have some of her gluten free pasta instead of the regular stuff everyone else was getting. She looked curious. "I just want to see if I feel better without wheat for a while," I said.

Doctor's appointments followed.

Since then I've had a lot of conversations with people who've been though similar things and exchanged a lot of tips. Some things keep coming up over and over again. Since I've recently summarized my most common pieces of advice I thought I'd post it here as well.

1. Go cold turkey. Once the gluten is out of your system you stop craving it as much but cheating keeps you wanting it. Some people report addiction-like feelings towards gluten even though it's not an addictive substance. I learned this lesson the hard way. For some people quitting gluten can be like quitting smoking. Let yourself go through "withdrawal" and be done with it.

 

2. Don't think that you have to buy all the products labeled "gluten free" in the store. I use them sometimes as a treat or when I know I'm going to be busy but for the most part companies have figured out they can jack up the price and make a lot of money off of celiacs. They charge more than they should and the food isn't very nourishing (or tasty). I refuse to think these products are some sort of requirement for my illness. Without them I can keep my food budget under $30.00 per week. If I was relying on them that would be impossible.

 

3. Breakfast: A lot of people are used to cereal. I don't like cold cereal so this wasn't a problem for me. Some GF cereals have improved in recent years but I still prefer bacon, eggs and fruit. It's more nutrisous, tastier and cheaper. Yogurt and fruit is another good option. However, another more economic option if someone really wants cereal is buying a brand of oats that is gluten free such as  "Only Oats". Where I live they sell it at Bulk Barn for about $6.50/kg. It can either be made into oatmeal or you can make your own cold cereal by mixing it with honey or brown sugar and baking it in a low temperature oven till it browns. Then you can add stuff to it like raisins, nuts, chocolate chips, marshmallows or whatever it is people like in cereal. 

 

4. Lunch: One of the most common dilemmas people face when they are first diagnosed is what to do about lunch. The concept of lunch being a sandwich is so pervasive in North American society that it's hard for a lot of people to think of anything else. Options really depend on if you're at home or at work when you need to eat. When I have to pack for work, something like a salad with grilled chicken works really well. Bean salads and tuna salads too. Hard boiled eggs. Veggies and humus. Leftover chili, if there's somewhere to heat it up. Keep in mind that anything that can go in a sandwich can also just go in a Tupperware container and be eaten with a fork. At home, making soup from scratch is really easy. Just google recipes and make sure they don't use flour.

 

5. Dinner: Think of eating the way our great-grandparents ate. Meat, potatoes and veggies. There are also a lot of things that can go on rice like stir fry or curry. Sometimes I'll make a thick tomato sauce with lots of meat, mushrooms and veggies and serve it over rice instead of pasta. If you go for meals that are mostly meat, potato/rice and veggies you can cook it for everybody in the household and not have to make something separate.

 

6. Eating out: Tell people you can't have gluten. Servers in restaurants are getting better at advising people on what is safe if they know it's an issue, but they can't help if they don't know. A lot of  fast food and chain restaurants will also have a special allergy menu that tells you what's safe. For eating at friend's houses, just give them lots of notice until they get used to it. Offering to bring something like desert helps to make it less awkward. (Then show up with ice cream and chocolate and they'll love it.)

 

7. Probably the most important thing to remember is that it gets easier with time. Also, once the gluten is out of the system you start to feel better and that makes life a lot easier. I was in so much pain when I found out why I was sick but for some reason I would still go on the occasional gluten "bender" for a long time afterwards. It never worked out well. It's hard to picture going through life without glutenous foods at first but it won't feel like that forever. 

Visit to the Pumpkim Patch

Yesterday we went to visit a local pumpkin patch.

For more picture depicting what I've dubbed "The Great Pumpkin Battle" visit my other blog The Nerds and I.

Back to Ballet

Last week I stepped into a ballet class as a student, not a teacher. This was something I haven't done for quite a few years. Until this summer I had been teaching adult classes and working on small choreography projects but recent changes at that studio have resulted in an end to that arrangement. Since this summer has been filled with difficulties in my personal life I was somewhat relieved to give up the extra responsibility.

Since I still needed a way to stay in shape I instead signed up for a class at another studio. This will push me to work harder because teachers only have to demonstrate, whereas students have to do everything full out. Even when choreographing more difficult pieces I have noticed a tendency to favour movements that I'm comfortable with, avoid ones that are more challenging and not do things full out unless I need to.

It's quite different being back to the student role at this point. I gained a lot of weight over the summer so my body isn't moving the way it should be. Still, I'm back in a familiar environment and I think it will provide a nice balance to the rest of my life.

Visiting Parents

This week I am fortunate to be able to visit with my parents. This was a visit that had to be timed very carefully because of the various factors that need to be considered with my father's chemo therapy. For a certain amount of time after he receives a dose he excretes toxins through his skin and anyone around him is at risk of receiving second-hand chemo. It isn't good for anyone to be exposed to but there was extra concern for me because even low levels of exposure can result in infertility.

The other concern is his immune system. He is starting to have signs of improvement but that is only in relative terms and every treatment cycle will cause a fresh drop in resistance. We were very careful to plan our trip for the few days between when the toxins would begin to lessen and his immune system would begin to crash. Fortunately that happened to coincide with his birthday.

Even though we picked the optimal time, precautions still need to be taken. His immune system is still very, very weak so we are wearing masks anytime we are in the same room. I am also being careful to wear gloves anytime I need to handle anything he's touched to avoid exposure to second-hand chemo. It is possible that we are being overly cautious but the risks on both sides are so great that we feel it's better safe than sorry.

Long Hard Summer

This summer has been long and hard. Usually when I say that it means we've been through oppressive heat wave, smoggy air pollution and an overbooked schedule but not this time. This summer the weather has actually been kind of cold and we haven't been overwhelmed with an overly busy life. This year, however, we've had some unusual complications.

This started with a bang in late spring when we got a phone call from my dad saying some blood work had come back abnormal. Really abnormal. There was a long list of disturbingly low numbers but a lot of attention was being paid to the extremely low hemoglobin and the barely existent white blood cell count. The family doctor had called him in on a Sunday to explain that this indicated his bone marrow wasn't working, leaving him without an immune system to speak of, and that he needed to isolate himself from the general public immediately. A CAT scan and bone marrow biopsy later revealed cancer, specifically lymphoma that had spread into the bone marrow.

A few people initially wondered if this news would mean me making trips out of town to be with my parents but the answer to that is actually no. I work with the public and that means that even though I myself may not be sick I could easily be a carrier of a virus or bacteria that could unknowingly be passed on. A few friends who live closer have gone for short visits while wearing masks but I have opted to stay away for the time being. In the fall we will see where things are at and reevaluate the situation. For now I am just greateful that we had been able to spend some time together right before the diagnosis was made.

In the meantime I have been occupied with infertility. The desire to have children took on a fresh poignancy after finding out my father had cancer. It's a reminder that my own biology is not the only clock that's ticking. Even though we've been told to be very hopeful for a good outcome in my dad's case we don't know how long any of our parents will be with us. Both my grandfathers had died before I was born so it had always been very important to me for my children to meet theirs.

Unfortunately everything we have tried so far has failed to make that happen. We have spent the summer going to and from the fertility clinic trying increasingly aggressive treatments. None of it has worked. The current suspect is endometriosis but that needs to be diagnosed - and hopefully treated - with surgery. The fertility clinic doesn't do that surgery so they've been trying to find an OBGYN to refer me to but quite a few of them are either full or have stopped doing that surgery. Currently it looks like we've found someone but wait times are so long that it's going to be many months before it will actually happen.

First Kiss

 

Lately there's been a video going around of strangers kissing each other for the first (and probably last) time that has made the internet gush with words like "sweet" and "beautiful". 

 

Then everyone realized it was actually an advertisement and the people involved were all models, musicians or actors. People seemed to love it anyway so a number of other videos - like this one from Vice - have popped up doing the exact same thing but with kissers who are far less attractive. 

People seem to like that too because now it's supposedly real. 

I have to say that I am not impressed by any of it and am, in fact, quite repulsed. Kissing is a profoundly intimate act that has been cheapened to greater and greater degrees. Before I got married it seemed like kissing was expected shortly after shaking hands. The older I got the greater the expectation seemed to be but at the same time there was less meaning that went with it. It had been reduced to a somewhat fun activity that people seemed to expect while waiting around for me to agree to full blown sex. I was not impressed. For me, these videos just sum up the downward spiral that kissing has continued to take. 

I suspect that for quite a few people the appeal here is being given a glimpse of the first kiss between people who have never kissed before since that is generally something that's assumed to not be observed very often. However it may not actually be the first time you've seen a first kiss. If you attended my wedding you might be among the 120 or so people who witnessed the first kiss I shared with my husband. While I certainly don't expect everyone to do what we did it does make me extremely sad that so few people will even give themselves the chance to try anything as meaningful. To kiss someone for the first time who they have shared a long friendship with, who they don't feel awkward or shy around, who they have confidence in, who they know has feelings of attraction equal to their own, who they know they will be kissing thousands of times again and who will likely be the only person they kiss for the rest of their life. 

Maybe that isn't desirable to everyone but has kissing really sunk so low that we think watching people get paid to kiss strangers is sweet?

Learning About Courtship

Last night I had the pleasure of hosting a deepening on the topic of Baha'i courtship. It was something that evolved out of a couple of conversations I had with friends who are getting into romantic relationships. They are finding the same thing I found when I was single, which is that the Baha'i community in general doesn't spend enough time having meaningful discussions about finding a mate. We have abundant guidance marriage but talking about finding someone to marry? Not so much.

We desperately need to change that. We're at a point where the way that the rest of society goes about these things is so at odds with the Teachings and so disfunctional that we can't afford to just let single Baha'is flounder on their own without support or education. People want it and they want to do things right. When the subject comes up people look desperate to talk about it. Given how much importantance marriage and family are given in the Faith it boggles my mind that more attention isn't given to the subject.

Doctors, Tests and Drugs

The think about infertility is that it's painful, very painful. The result is that I don't update this blog very often.

We spent the last part of the summer recovering from the miscarriage and busy with activities surrounding friends and family. Oddly enough once we found out the pregnancy was over we both made peace with it very quickly but for me there was getting to be a lot of frustration at the general difficulty of conceiving.

In the fall I got a referral to a fertility clinic. Much testing was done but very little was uncovered. We appear to be fairly healthy. As a first step I was offered medication as it is the most affordable and least invasive. A choice was offered between Clomid (the classic drug known for producing multiples) and Femara (the newer option). What I appreciated very much about the doctor was that he presented me with a bunch of information, backed it up with numbers from studies and then left the decision entirely in my hands. I'd heard horror stories about other people getting fertility treatment and being treated with a totally lack of respect so the attitude that I was a thinking adult who could make decisions about my body when given the proper information was a welcome reassurance.

I went with the Femara because seemed to have less side effects and a low risk of multiples. It was a good choice in that I tolerated it very well, and my progesterone test show that I'm ovulating like a champ, but it hasn't really worked. No baby. Now it's been a few months so soon I'll be going back for more testing.

Pregnancy Loss

I haven't been able to write for some time. Unfortunately we lost the baby last month and after that I mostly wanted to spend my time working. The family and friends that were aware of what was happening were amazingly supportive though and I think the result was an easier grieving period than it might otherwise have been.

An Unexpected Result

The last few weeks have been hard. And wonderful.

On June 4th I was recovering from the tail end of a virus and feeling very frustrated. My usual signs of fertility didn't seem to be appearing and the weirdest symptoms of my cold seemed to be getting worse, not better. I was lying on the couch fighting off waves of nausea when I started to get angry that my body was playing such a cruel trick by making me queasy when I new I couldn't be pregnant. To stop myself from fantasizing about a common cold being pregnancy I decided to take a pregnancy test.

It was positive.

The first positive test.

I was so stunned that I didn't know what to think for the rest of the day. The next day I decided I didn't believe what I'd seen so I took three more tests, all different brands. They were positive too.

I walked around stunned for the rest of the week before telling my husband. The day before I told him I took another test just to make sure. The first few times with word "pregnant" came out of my mouth I felt like I was lying but five different pregnancy tests had all said that it was true. Because of how well I was keeping track of my cycles I am fairly sure that I conceived prior to the last period so I hadn't had the experience of "being late" that's usually the first sign of pregnancy. Lost of women have some implantation bleeding around the time that would have been their period but mine was heavier than the stories I'd heard so I didn't think that could be it.

The next couple of weeks went by fairly easily. In spite of that early queasiness I never got really ill and I had no problem being accepted into a midwifery practice where an initial appointment was booked for around week 10. Then a little past week 7 I started bleeding again.

The past week has been dedicated to preventing a miscarriage which has been nerve-wracking, draining and physically painful. In the end there is good news though. When the bleeding stopped a sixth, and then seventh, test showed that I was still pregnant.

Proof that I'm still pregnant.

Another Two Week Wait

The wait to find out if you are pregnant is the worst. I think everyone who has tried for a baby knows that. Lately I haven't been able to decide if it's getting easier as time goes by or worse. The time definitely passes faster than it did in the beginning but I think that's because I stopped expecting anything to happen, and that is hardly an optimistic thought.

This time around I have given myself the goal of saying the Long Obligatory Prayer everyday through this cycle. It's not so much that I think it will help anything to happen, but I remember what a difference it made to my inner well being when I said it daily during my year of service. I always lamented that it dropped out of my daily routine later on. Regardless of what happens I'm sure I can use the extra strength it brings.

The Best Choice: Thoughts on May Maxwell's Struggle With Infertility

A few days ago we found out yet again that I am not pregnant. To say it is disappointing would be an understatement, as would saying that I'm not surprised. After many months of trying you stop expecting to conceive.

I was feeling like I needed to read something inspiring to ease the discouragement so the other night I picked up Violette Nakhjavani's Tribute to Amatu'l-Baha Ruhiyyih Khanum. It is a book that was recently given to us but neither my husband nor I have had time to read and it's been sitting on our coffee table ever since. My Baha'i friends will know this but Ruhiyyih Khanum was born Mary Maxwell and raised in Montreal prior to marrying Shoghi Effendi. Her parents were May Maxwell and William Sutherland Maxwell and she was their only child.

The first chapter of the book was a timely reminder of the long wait May Maxwell went through to become a mother. After they were married years passed for the Maxwell's with no sign of a child. Then in 1910 May wrote a letter to Agnes Alexander describing an encounter she'd had with 'Abdu'l-Baha while in Haifa the previous year.

He had seen her walking with His daughter one evening and May had been carrying His infant grandson. He asked her, "You love that baby?"

"Oh! I love him," was her emphatic reply.

'Abdu'l-Baha asked her if she would like to have a baby and her answer was that she would be very happy to have one. He answered, "Do you know why you have never had one? It is because you were a chosen maidservant of God - you were called for the service of God - you could not have children because you had to devote your time to the service of the Cause. This is the only reason; this is the only reason."

The letter continues:

I stood with bowed head before Him and after a little silence He said, "Speak, do you choose to have a child, you may choose."

Then I looked at Him with all my heart and soul and adoration, and I said, "I choose whatever God chooses - I have no choice but His." Although those words were very simple - in them I renounced all hope of Motherhood. Then 'Abdu'l-Baha arose quickly and came to me and clasped me in His arms with the greatest love and joy, and He said: "That is the best choice, the Will of God is the best choice", and walking up and down the room He continued, "I will pray for you, that God will send you that which is best for you. Be sure of this, that God will send you that which is best for you - " and this He repeated several times.

The letter goes onto reveal that May did indeed become pregnant a few months later.

What strikes me in reading this is how extraordinary May Maxwell's response was. We tend to read stories of 'Abdu'l-Baha and the early believers with a sort of fairytale quality and wonder at how blessed they were to benefit from His mystical insight. No doubt she was extremely devoted but most women who have had trouble conceiving would find it difficult to have someone tell them it's because they have been called to serve God. Then to be told that all she had to do was choose and she'd have a baby must have been very painful. To women now days it might feel like they are being blamed for their infertility if they heard that but for May it likely would have been painful for other reasons. Because of her trust in God and in 'Abdu'l-Baha for her to hear that would mean a feeling of having to choose between service to the Faith and motherhood. Her words indicate she didn't think she could have both and her choice shows a stunning amount of self-sacrifice.

Of course 'Abdu'l-Baha was no ordinary man. He had a history of knowing the right thing to say and she clearly left His presence with a sense of joy. But this story makes me think. In the hundred years since this took place our understanding of human reproduction has grown beyond anything our ancestors could have dreamed of. With that increased understanding has come very different attitudes and expectations. We have more control over how and when babies are made which has led to people making a lot of assumptions that they can have a baby whenever they want. Sometimes they can and sometime they can't.

The idea that God might have a better idea of what's best for you than you do - or that when you want isn't necessarily in your best interest - isn't really a concept anymore, even amongst many Baha'is. I know it isn't a thought that enters my mind all that much these days. I suppose it's an idea that lingers in the back of my mind but it doesn't surface that often and reading how instinctive it was for May Maxwell makes me contemplate just how badly my spiritual life needs attention. I suspect that if I made and effort to have the kind of trust that she had there would be a lot more peace in my life, not just in this matter but in all other areas as well.

Closing for Holy Days

We've just finished Easter weekend but of course in our house it was business as usual. Being Baha'i we don't celebrate and keep our business open on Christian holidays. Our customers love that we do this as they usually have time off to go shopping those days but I don't feel like I've gotten good at explaining the reason we do it or the flip-side of us closing for Naw Ruz. I think most people figure we are just die hard capitalists.

This year closing for Naw Ruz drew more attention than last year. The timing probably has something to do with it - March 21st fell on a quieter day last year - but we've also become more established and have a larger customer base. The majority of people responded with a friendly "happy new year" afterwards but one person gave me a hard time. He suggested that we hire "heathens" to keep things running while we took the day off and made sure to send the message that this a big inconvenience.

For the record, I know what business he had with us and it was not urgent.

I explained that it was not a matter of us taking a day off but that we are actually supposed to close for the day. I don't think this sunk in. I also explained that there are other holidays we are supposed to close for too.  

This is sadly an example of both why we aren't closing for all the Holy Days that we should and why we really should be. When we started our business we were scared that if we closed at all we would ruin our relationship with the public and drive away business. Closing for one Holy Day was an act of bravery for us but we did it out of dedication to the Faith. It has worked out for the one day a year that we do it. We tell our customers why we are closing well in advance and the results are often wonderful opportunities for discussion. But I don't know how many Baha'i business owners make efforts to obey this law and I wonder if not doing so diminishes the impact we can have on society. We, as a community, have been given the task of distinguishing ourselves from the social decay around us through our words and actions. We also hope to elevate and deepen the lives of those around us to be more meaningful regardless of their beliefs. While working hard is by no means the most harmful offence (we in fact view work as equal to worship) how are we supposed to distinguish ourselves when we do exactly what everyone else is doing?

I felt rattled after that encounter. It threw me back to the awkward feeling from childhood of being something other people don't understand. I try to remind myself that others experience far worse but I feel disappointed  that I'm not better at articulating what I am. In spite of the Faith being woven so deeply into my identity I am so often at a loss for words when explaining these things.

The Fast Ends

I managed to take part in the last week of The Fast. For several days before that I had been only consuming fluids during daylight hours as my airway wasn't quite back to normal. I thought it would be a challenge to get back to it after missing so much but I found that going without food did not produce much suffering.

I had been wondering if there was some unpleasant wisdom in becoming so ill during The Fast and I think returning to the normal patterns of life is answering that question. What I noticed over the past week is that going without food and drink is something I've hardly noticed but all of my attention has immediately been drawn back into the bare necessities of life. It is such an effort to get through the day that that's all I can think about. The long hours that my business requires and the mental responsibilities of keeping everything organized leave little time to focus on spiritual growth or devotion.

There is a real tug of war that I feel about that when thinking about it from a Baha'i point of view. On the one hand our laws make it clear that a significant portion of our lives should be spent in communion with God and service to the Faith, but on the other hand we are urged to excel in our occupations and consider work as worship. Then there is the practical element of simply needing to work long and hard to make sure we have a business that functions. But then, of course, how does one find the strength to expend so much energy if the spirit is not nourished?

There is irony in the absence of fasting being what inspires the reflection that is supposed to come with The Fast. However those 19 days are over now and with the Naw Ruz celebrations of the last couple of days we move onto a new season. We were excited to be able to join our community to celebrate the holiday as we all broke our fast for the last time this year together. We also took March 21st off and closed the business for some much valued family time. My hope it that in the year to come I will be able to maintain the spirit of reflection that has come with this year's Fast.

Friends enjoying food together at our community Naw Ruz  celebration.

Fast In A Day

Last year a small production company called Media Makes Us decided to make a short film to capture the feelings and emotions that surround the Baha'i Fast. Their method was unique in that they put out a call for Baha'is around the world to shoot and submit footage, crowd sourcing the film making process. I was lucky enough to have the clip I send in included. It was our first year fasting as a married couple and the story I tell is about our first day fasting together. As you hear in the film we kind of botched it.



Fast in a Day from Media Makes Us on Vimeo.

Reflections on Being Deprived of The Fast

We are right in the middle of the Baha'i fast. This is the time every year when Baha'is between the ages of 15 and 70 abstain from food and drink from sunrise to sunset.

Our breakfast

Everyone who's healthy, that is.

Baha'u'llah, in His infinite wisdom, did not require those suffering from illness to fast, nor did He require women to fast if they are pregnant, nursing or menstruating. This time last year I remember joking with my husband that it would be the last year I'd be fasting with him for quite some time since we were having thoughts about starting a family. His response was to joke that he would hold off getting me pregnant just so I'd have to join him for another year. As the months went by and this year's fast started to approach, the joke no longer seemed funny. Ayyam-i-Ha came and went with no sign of conception and I realized it was my husband's prediction that had inadvertently come true instead of mine.

I normally look forward to fasting. It was something I couldn't imagine as a child but as an adult discovered it was not nearly as difficult as I'd thought. I enjoy the discipline and the challenge of it. I also find that when fasting is shared with other Baha'is there is a bond and camaraderie that is formed. That was something I discovered while spending time with Baha'i youth on my year of service, then experienced with my father after returning to Canada and experienced again with my husband over the last few of years. The prospect of fasting would normally be welcome but this time I felt like I was getting a harsh reminder of how quickly time had gone by and how badly we were failing. I felt strong disappointment.

Then we started fasting. We lasted through the first day but by sunset I was starting to cough and sniff. I knew that night I wouldn't be able to fast the next day but wasn't sure if I could manage a partial fast with just liquids or if I'd need to give the whole thing up. I find it's worse when you have to break it off after starting then resume it again later. Things go more smoothly when you can just plough through for all 19 days. As it turned out I think I was too miserable to take anything but liquids anyway. I also had to work as we were running a display at a convention that weekend.

It was less than ideal but I figured it was a bump in the road that would be over in a few days. It wasn't. I mean, I'm sure in the bigger picture it is but here I am on day 11 of 19 and I can barely get out of bed. It seems that this is the time my body has chosen to send the clear and firm message that I have abused it too hard. I have been working too many 12 hour days and only taking time off for illness. It was only a few weeks ago that I was sick before this and there were a series of migraines in between. I was already worn down and now what should be a short cold has completely knocked me down and will not let me up.

This seems to be the worst of both worlds. I am neither pregnant nor fasting. Even though there are likely practical reasons for both (perhaps they are even connected) I am starting to feel like I'm being called to examine my spiritual health. It seems a rather strong coincidence to become so sick at exactly the time of year when we are supposed to turn our attention to God. There is some irony at finding myself being forced to focus on the spirit by being deprived of the fast that is supposed to be the focal point for the rest of the world but it is unlikely I would have paused for reflection otherwise. I don't quite know what I should do other than lay here and recite prayers. There is little other choice though so that's as good a place to start as any.

I'm reviving this again.

I have very little time for writing these days but at the moment I am flat in bed sick. I suspect it will not be read much - in fact I hope it isn't read much - but down the road my family may very well enjoy having a blog maintained. I am at the stage of life of trying to start a family and when that finally happens this seems a good way to keep relatives and friends up to date instead of - or in addition to - bombarding facebook. Even though the stage we are at is essentially a private one I think it might be wise to collect a few of the thoughts from my pre-parent days to look back on later. Very few people know at this stage how much of an effort we are putting into becoming parents. At the moment we have no desire to enlighten them but it may  help to provide perspective later on.

There is another aspect to picking this up again. This started as a travel blog during my Baha'i year of service. That was a challenging time but it was also the time when I was the most steadfastly rooted in the Faith. I found strength during that time that has seemed to fade and I think my attention needs to turn back in that direction. Serving full time offers the chance to be fully devoted to God but we need to be able to maintain devotion through everyday life and I fear I am not doing so well at that.

Coming Soon

Things have been very busy lately as my friends Justin and Alicia and I prepare to open our new business. Just By Chance Games will be opening soon in Waterloo and is the reason all three of us moved to the area. Right now we're working day and night to get it ready for the public.

Junior Youth

As I adjust to life here I've been getting acquainted with the local Baha'i community which is much larger than what I'm used to. One of my great joys over the last month or so has been helping to establish a Baha'i junior youth group. The participants are all about 11 years old and are full of energy and enthusiasm. Together we have started studying a book called Glimmerings of Hope as well as playing games, learning new prayers and planning a service project. The project they have chosen is to organize a food drive for the local food bank but they are all full of ideas for other service as well so I'm sure we will have much more on the go in the near future.